I think it’s important to remember that at times the world seems quiet and empty, depression and anxiety never miss the chance to fill the room.
Suddenly it’s noisy, distracting. I’m listening to the voices of shame, doubt, and guilt bounce off the walls of what I thought was an empty room.
I didn’t know how loud silence could be until I found myself alone in my room, struggling to see the world and people around me.
I need to do something to get out of this.
I feel lonely, but I know there are people around me who love me. These are people that I love dearly, but it feels like I’m sinking beneath some murky water and it’s getting harder and harder to swim up to the surface and see the hands reaching down to save me. It feels like I can’t see them, I can’t feel them. I understand that they’re likely there, you know, and that if I were to frantically grab around there’s gotta be at least one person who can help me up- but I just can’t manage to get up to the surface.
I feel myself sinking, and I can’t tell if I want to submit or if I’m trying to swim. Sometimes it feels like I’m not going anywhere, but I tell myself that’s the depression or anxiety weighing me down and trying to tell me otherwise. I’m tryin’. I just don’t know where that effort is going.
I’m feeling a lot of uncertainty because when you allow someone else to have a piece of you, you can’t control what happens with all of you. I think that’s all I wanted to say today
Yikes, I don’t know why I’m like this. Hahaha. Maybe it’s because I can’t find peace in journaling with a pen and paper anymore. I want to feel the thoughts leave my finger tips and pretend that the impact of the pen doesn’t leave me with pains in my wrist.
It’s physically painful to process these thoughts and feelings- and I just want them to end. A lot has happened since that last post, but I can’t say I regret any of it. Things have changed drastically because they needed to. I’ll have faith and I’ll trust in that.
It’s real nice to be able to have conversations with people who support you and hold you accountable. I’m glad to have been able to tell one of my best friends what’s going on in my life lately and be able to be light hearted about all of it. I’m glad. I feel like this is the right choice.
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| — | T.B. LaBerge // Things I’m stilling learning at 25 (via tblaberge) |
My brain feels like it’s in the middle of a garbage disposal. I’m feeling all caught up and stuck at the same time and I have no idea how I plan to get myself out of here. I’m kind of losing my mind. I don’t know what to do or what to say, it’s scaring me a bunch. I don’t like uncertainty.
I’ve never been comfortable with taking risks and I’ve always been scared of plunging into the unknown, but I don’t want my life to look like this forever. I’ve spent years waiting for a change I am not sure will ever come.
